Lasting Impact

I can't sleep. For as long as I can remember, I've always had trouble falling, or even staying asleep. I toss and turn, getting tangled in the blankets until I have constructed a full body straight jacket. Usually, I can keep myself away from this state, but as of late, it's been much worse than usual, as if the off switch has broken. I'm used to having my brain keep ticking, and have tried many different methods to get it to stop. Reading, exercise, meditation, journaling, alcohol. One after another they work, and then they cease to work. However, tonight I try something completely new. Sharing.

No, the things that have barred my passage for the past few weeks are feelings. Experiences from my past keep creeping into my head as soon as I turn out the light. Old hurts, new hurts, things I wish I could forget.

Trusts misused by people I considered 'friends'. What I saw as providing a shoulder to cry on was really baring a vein for them to feed from. Putting their wellbeing before my own. Sleeping on the couch while they slept in my bed, then leaving without a second glance back or simple appreciative smile.

Tail lights abruptly stopping, faces in a back window, the sensation of impact, airbag dust.

The manipulation of all those around me, turning them against me. The weekly occurrence of someone gaining the courage to ask "Is it true? Are you gay?" based solely off a whisper, making its way from ear to ear down the small high school hallway. The knowing grin of the source, just hidden out of view.

Yelling, directed at me, telling me what a "disappointment you were", the valley walls echoing it back to me, drilling it into my skull. The "Woe is me" tears flowing down her face, caused by the injustice done to her by a willing and enthusiastic student who asked for nothing but the occasional acknowledgment of a "job well done'.

The sound of the shed door closing behind me as I ventured out into the fresh night air, the deadly venom of a once respected influence burning me from the inside. The bitter taste of cheap beer, trying to numb the pain, waiting for the sun to rise.

The eyes of judgement, six sets, burrowing their way into my soul, looking for the tiniest crack to exploit, in the hope of bringing down the rest of me. Each with their own reason, but with the same goal: Blame him.

The sensation of loss as a vital support, once thought to be permanent, finally came to the end of its days. It had waited till my weight was off it, and then let itself be taken by the oceans turbulent undertow.

Some of these things I can let go. In the grand scheme of things, they were but moments of hardship, followed by rough and irritating rationalization. However, some of these things still pull at my heart strings, keeping them ever so slightly off key.

The impact that we have on each other is far greater that most ever come to understand. Some statements, that may seem mundane and relatively meaningless coming from the speakers mouth, can have a long lasting effect on the listeners mind. I am lucky to only have these thoughts linger in my mind, rather than sleeping just outside my door, waiting for me to wake up.

Adversity is a part of life. If we didn't have it, what good would the ability to learn be? Life is dynamic. People are dynamic. And we must continue to learn from life, and from each other. We must also remember that everyone has a back story. In most cases, we only have a newspaper clipping. It is up to all of us to respect the unread, but also not to let the pains of our past boil over on to those around us.

Don't let dripping taps from the past keep you from sleeping.